It Makes my Heart Hurt

Today I got to experience the coordinator side of state testing in a full day of training, and I have to say it makes my heart hurt for our kids and teachers.

I always new that our state testing was serious business, and even joked many times that I was in the wrong profession given how much money our state spends on it to these private companies that write them, print them, distribute them, grade them, etc.  But today, wow...

It's my first year as a testing coordinator for my campus, so I've been in many trainings lately preparing for TELPAS, STAAR, STAAR Alt 2, and will continue to have trainings and dealings with these assessments as the springs goes on.

What makes my heart hurt is the knowledge that these systems, while they have their merits, cause so much undue stress on our students, teachers, and even administrators.  I am fortunate that in my district, testing hasn't been linked to your yearly appraisal and your pay is not tied to it, and as far as I can tell, we have leadership in place that have no plans to make this a reality, but there is a sort of unwritten code that if you can't cut the mustard in those testing grades, then you get moved somewhere else.  And let's not even start with the written codes that tell us we can't smile, give a pat on the back, talk to our students, sometimes not even be in the same room to support them while they take this high stakes, timed test each year.  It seems no matter how much we prepare our students that this is coming, reassure them to not worry, encourage them with pep rallies, songs, etc, you can still see the stress on them, like a backpack full of bricks they are carrying around.  And then let's add on the stress of SSI.  So now if you don't pass your tests in 5th or 8th grade, you have to attend remediation classes and take this again, or even go to summer school to try a 3rd time with the possibility of repeating your grade if you don't pass.  It just makes my heart hurt for our kiddos.

For our teachers who give to our students their best every day, work tirelessly before, during, and after school tutoring small groups, overcoming student apathy or learning issues to reach that high mark, only to receive results that are less than they expected.  It's crushing as a teacher.  It makes you wonder what else you could have possibly done to help more students be successful on that dreaded test.  It makes my heart hurt for them.

For our administrators who have to give an account to higher up folks of how they plan to fill in the gaps of certain groups of students, or for a certain subject, not really caring that there was a teacher on long term disability that year due to cancer, and a long term sub had to be brought in, or that a teacher resigned at mid year due to the amount of stress, or that you didn't have adequate funding to host enough after school tutoring.  They only care about the bottom line it seems, because their jobs depend on it too.  It makes my heart hurt for them too.

Now don't get me wrong, I think there should be some form of standardized test on a state level, not national like Common Core is doing, but state levels, but it shouldn't be done the way we currently have it on 1 day, in 4 hours or less, nor the old way of taking as long as you need where we would have kids staying after school, sometimes till 6, 7, or even 8 pm.  Neither of these is effective or an accurate measure.  I want someone with more skill, time, and talents than me to create a system that takes into account that child that started the year 3 years behind in reading, and now is only 1/2 a year behind, or the kid who improved in math from 20's to now 60's.  A system that is longitudinal in nature, and not a singular day.  A system that takes all aspects of a kid into account, not a number on a page on a single day, in a single setting.  It all just makes my heart hurt for our kids, our teachers, and our administrators, and I don't have a solid solution.

So What...

You'd think that in all my own blog posts that somewhere in my reflections, it would start to sink in for me personally, but alas, offenses still happen and I still get my feathers ruffled.

Without giving too many details {to protect the innocent}, I became offended recently by something that was said.  So, I had some choices to make.  Do I speak up to that person about it?  Do I just let it go?  Do I seek guidance from others?  What do I do?  The offense wasn't directed towards me personally, but spoke to my ethics.  And as I've said before on this blog, I am a very black and white kind of person, so it's either right or wrong, not a lot of  middle ground here.  What I did eventually do, was seek guidance, and both folks I spoke to asked the same question, "Did you speak to this person about what they said?"  And of course, my response was, "No, I don't feel like that's my place."  Maybe you are starting to see my own dilemma here.  I was the one offended, yet it wasn't my place to speak up?  I know, not sound logical thinking, but it's the place I was living in.  After prayer, and speaking to others, I did eventually talk to the person who made the remark that offended me and they were able to explain why they said what they did.  While I didn't agree with their thinking, we were at least able to talk face to face and get it out in the open and be honest about things, so in that regard it was a win win.

I find it funny, but not in a laughing kind of way, that my two older daughters have been living in a similar place recently as well.  My oldest beauty became offended by the pro life vs pro choice debate that a family member began on Facebook.  Not exactly the place to air ethical conversation, and not with a 16 year old who doesn't yet understand social media etiquette entirely yet.  She responded to said family member, who then in turn (even though they are much older and should have known better) responded back.  As my daughter is relaying this information and story to me, my thoughts ran towards the "No, no, no, no, stop" realm.  In our afternoon commute, we had the hard conversation about how you need to let it go, not respond, it will never end well, you will get angry, they will get angry, Facebook is not the place for this conversation, and on and on.  She wanted to "unfriend" this family member over this, and again we had that hard conversation that you can't "unfriend" a family member just because they offended you on a very deep level, and how it's best to just hide the post, and LET IT GO!  To which my other daughters and I break out into the Frozen song from the movie.

My middle beauty had a similar experience with a friend at school, 6th grade girls mind you, so that should really explain all you need to know.  And her initial reaction was to argue right back with the student.  

It makes me question my own reactions to offenses and what I'm showing my girls, because after all, our kids model what they learn and see.  So, when offenses happen, and they most certainly will continue to happen, it's choices we have {which I've posted about before, choices, choices, choices}.  Our attitude should be one of "So what" and move on from there.  But it should not be one of arguing, talking to others before talking to the offender like I did, or even "unfriending" family.  I got offended, so what.  The end.

Servant Leadership

I am a people watcher.  Always have been.  And recently, I've had the pleasure of watching my admin be servant leaders by serving breakfast to our staff, delivering water after a hot, outdoors pep rally, waiting to be last through a line to get something, etc.  It's made me take a look at what exactly a servant is versus a slave.  

I also have taken a couple of surveys to determine my own love language and to determine my giftings.  Neither were a surprise to me.  My dominant leaning for both came out to be service.  I am a practical, let's get things done kind of gal.  But, what I'm not, is a walk all over me and take advantage of me kind of person.  

So therein lies the distinction for me of servant vs slave.  Both place another person in a position of service, but one is by one's own will and another against someone's will.

You see, in watching and experiencing my leaders servant style, I've come to realize that we all, no matter our title or position, need to give a little more in this area (and I'm talking to myself too).  We are after all in the people business in education.  It's people that matter, not paperwork or programs, though those things are necessary.  It's people that drive what we do, so shouldn't we make them matter more?

My word of this school year has been MATTER, because it reminds me to make a daily choice about what matters.  If I decide and say that family matters, people matter, then I'm more likely to act in a manner that shows that.  It's a way of being held accountable to post it in a prominent location for all to see.  So, servant leadership shows people that they matter, that they are valued, and that I'm willing to put them before me.