I had a teacher on my team this year who knew she was moving and selling her home and she would talk about how she had to make sure her home was "model ready" before leaving for school each day because realtors or visitors may come to look. And all I could think of, having never lived through that, is that's exactly how I feel. Maybe your gifting is hospitality, and to some degree that's a teacher, has to be, like customer service. But when those drop in visitors rub you the wrong way, over stay their welcome, put your character or decision making skills into questions routinely, or judge your cleanliness skills (like a light bulb being out and reporting it), you become less like this. And they keep coming back into your home, your "peaceful place" and disrupting. They come monthly, they text you, email you, call you, ask questions that you've already answered to another worker, and on and on. I mean, seriously, can't they just read the monthly reports I legally have to file, or read the group text message chat where I sent them all the info already? I think I know how to raise a child. I have 3 of my own biologically. But I've never had a child who has been hurt or been in trauma like these. And I have zero experience with making a blended family work. My better half and I are coming up on 20 years married. It's a learning curve for sure.
The part that makes my heart hurt is the uncertainty and stress that is displayed in my littles when someone comes into our home monthly, 3 separate visits per month, in the crazy behavior where they run around, act silly and refuse to talk coherently, jump on and off furniture, roll around on the floors. And when the visitor leaves, they are their normal, settled self again. I know they don't do it on purpose, but man this is hard reassuring them, reminding them that no one will hurt them here, or that this visitor will not take them away. Especially that last one, when I don't know for sure, as their case comes near to the end. I, myself, feel in a state of uncertainty, because I'm "not a party to their case", so how can I reassure them constantly and not feel exhausted from this?
Being a foster parent feels like an invasive procedure, like when I had any of my 3 C-sections where everyone is looking at everything God gave you, and pulling everything apart in surgery to get to the beautiful baby within. And that's why I have another confession.
Confession #2: Being a foster parent is W-O-R-T-H it.
I say this confession, not because I feel like it sometimes, but as a reminder to myself daily. Loving someone is a daily choice, that can be easy or hard, but a choice nonetheless. I've seen my littles come out of their protective shells. Where once they were afraid of the dark, now are no longer. Where once they would stiffen and "straight board" you when you had to pick them up to put them in their car seat or do this when unlocking their seat belt that was between their legs, now, not at all. And when I told them to "Go play!" and they just stared at me like, "What do you want me to do?" And now when I say that, they run, and play, and laugh, and scream. That's why I say it's worth it.
Putting yourself and your family out there for strangers to repeatedly judge, critique, invade is something that will make you feel so many emotions, and sometimes within the span of a few minutes. But while it is hard, it is worth it, if I remember who all this fuss is for.
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